10 Key Tips For A Thriving Marriage
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My husband and I have been dating since I was only 15 years old. I was a Freshman in High School and he was a Junior. We met at the youth group we both attended, and he always had a way of making me laugh more than anyone else. We became friends right away, and I used to always tell him, “I wish I could carry you around in my pocket so you could make me laugh all day!” He was friend-zoned for a while, but one day we were hanging out with a group from our church when it hit me: there might be something more there. Once we started dating we fell hard, and even though we were both so young we just knew that we would last. Even when everyone would laugh and call it “puppy love,” I knew in my heart it was more.
We dated for four and a half years and then got married when we were only 20 and 22. These last eight years of marriage have been the best years of my life, and I am so blown away by the man that my husband is. We have truly grown up together in the best sort of way, and have navigated a lot of change, growth, and transition together. We’ve found and sometimes fumbled our way through parenthood and careers and dreams. And in the midst of it all we’ve remained a team.
Recently, when asking friends and followers topics they’d like me to write on, many of them said marriage. I’ve always been hesitant to write on it because I am certainly no expert nor would I ever claim to be. I know that every person, every marriage, and every love story is different— and no one is perfect! But I wanted to humbly share with you the things I’ve learned through these last 8 years of marriage and 13 years together. The things that are key to our relationship and that keep our marriage thriving.
One strength Ryan and I both have is that we observe and take in information from the people and world around us, and learn from it. We’ve learned and grown on our own, through trials and circumstances, but we have also surrounded ourselves with older, wiser people who’ve taught us a great deal about life & relationships. Many of these things we’ve learned from them, and we so value the impact they’ve had on us. I highly recommend finding a couple to mentor you and do life with!
We keep learning and growing, and each year our marriage only gets stronger. I pray that what we’ve learned along the way encourages you in your marriage or relationship!
The Importance of Friendship: One of the strongest foundations in our marriage is the fact that we are best friends. We truly enjoy one another’s company and love to be around each other. We laugh, we play, we learn new things, and we go on adventures. We’re each others biggest encourager and advocate, always cheering each other on. The strongest marriages I know are those couples who are best friends with their spouse. Find ways to cultivate a stronger friendship such as traveling together, going on dates, or trying something new together. And have fun! Don’t take yourself too seriously— welcome laughter and fun and light-heartedness.
Intimacy: Sorry ya’ll. I’m going there. Making time for intimacy, both emotional and physical, is so crucial. I’ve never met a happy, thriving couple who did not have a healthy, active sex life. It’s just the truth. Making time for intimacy and connection will strengthen your marriage and your connection in every area. A friend once told me, “before you’re married the enemy will do anything to get you in bed together, and once you’re married he will do anything to keep you out of it.” That’s always stuck with me. It’s always been a priority of ours to pursue connection, pursue intimacy, and pursue a healthy sex life. So just do it. Literally ;)
Communication: We’ve both learned that we are not mind-readers. We value open and honest communication, and communicate our needs to one another. Sometimes communication means leaning in and asking the hard questions to try to understand one another’s perspective. It means pushing through until the end of a long conversation even when we’re exhausted. It means being vulnerable and pushing past our own insecurities. It is one of our core values and something we both believe is key to a thriving marriage. I’ve heard it said that even if your fighting, it’s a good sign. It’s when you’ve stopped talking and trying altogether that you’re in trouble.
Work together as a team: My husband always makes fun of me because my favorite quote around the house is “teamwork makes the dream work.” We operate as a team in all that we do, and work in partnership with each other. Sometimes the strategy is “divide and conquer” and other times it’s tackling it together. But we both make sure we are on the same page and the same team throughout it all.
Don’t Keep Score: In addition to teamwork, I’ve found it is very important not to keep score. Not keeping score of who did the dishes last, or who did this that or the other. Instead, we work as a team and we don’t hold anything over the other persons head, as that is the fast-track to bitterness & resentment.
Conflict Resolution: It’s not a matter of “if” conflict will arise, it’s a matter of “when.” We all handle conflict and trials differently, and understanding how you both react to and handle conflict is very important. Some people avoid, some shut down, some compromise… try to understand how you both naturally handle conflict and see what you can do to work together to resolve it.
Apologizing & Forgiveness: We all make mistakes and fall short at times. We need to approach one another humbly and in love, own our “stuff,” and ask for forgiveness. The phrase, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me” is simple and powerful. And with apologizing comes forgiveness. Have grace for yourself and for your partner. Choose to forgive and let it go. If you’re struggling to forgive, spend some time with God and ask Him to fill you up with His grace and love, so that you can honestly and truly forgive one another.
Personal Healing & Growth: In marriage, two halves do not make a whole. Working on our own personal healing and growth is essential to bringing a healthy, whole person into your marriage. I’ve heard it said that you can only love others to the capacity with which you love yourself. When we make time and space to be healthy and learn to love ourselves, we grow in our capacity to love others. Fill up your cup so that you can love your spouse out of the overflow. Practice self-care: take care of your body by eating healthy and exercising, take care of your spirit by spending time alone with God, take care of your soul by doing things that bring you joy.
Never say the “D” word: One thing we’ve both been in agreement on since we first got married is that we would never say the “D” word— divorce. I think throwing around the “D” word whenever you’re in a fight or in the heat of the moment can be very hurtful and damaging to your marriage. The word simply does not exist in our vocabulary, as we both know we are committed to one another and committed to our marriage.
Date Your Spouse: Ah, date nights. It seems the two most common pieces of marital advice I hear are communication and date nights. It may be cliche, but dating your spouse is important! And trust me, I know life is crazy, ya’ll! I have two young children and another baby girl on the way. All of our family lives on the other side of the country, so date nights mean hiring a babysitter, which is not cheap. We’re all busy and we’re all tired. I get it. Having a regular date night might not always mean “going out” (though that’s my favorite). Sometimes it’s putting the kids to bed early and having a picnic on the living room floor. Sometimes it’s a late night glass of wine (well, when I’m not pregnant) together over cheese and chocolate. Maybe it’s meeting your hubby at work for a lunch date while your kids are in school or at a friends house. Your dates will look different in every season, but make time to date one another the way you used to before you were married! Make time for connection and being present with one another!
Other practical tips & Resources:
Learn more about each other and how you both see the world. I recommend taking the enneagram personality test (there’s a free app too!). They also have useful information on how your “type” works in relationship with other “types.” This can be a very helpful tool in understanding more about yourself and your partner.
Learn how you both give and receive love. There are five “love languages.”Words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. I always joke that I am all of the love languages (anyone else?! 🙋) but I am quality time and acts of service. Ryan is words of affirmation and physical touch. Understanding how we both give and receive love helps us to love one another better and meet each other’s needs.
I recommend the book Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. It’s such a great resource for couples, and it’s all about connection, communication, and boundaries. I’ve also heard great things about Love & War by John and Stasi Eldridge, though I have not personally read it yet.
So, there you have it! I pray that you have the beautiful, healthy marriage that you desire! I love to learn from others, so please share what you’ve learned along the way and what advice you would offer to other couples!
From My Heart To Yours,
Monika
